Excitable Emboar and the Sperm that says 'Spli'
by Seppicakes
Summary: With nothing to her name but a Tepig and her dashing good looks, White sets off on an adventure that will lead her into a world of love, dreams, and motorbikes. But who is this mysterious trainer N, and why is he such a cutesicle?
1. Introducing N, the Supa Sexay Dream Boat

"Full power to the front cannons, Tepig! Bombs away!"

The mighty Tepig breathed in with all the suction power of a Dyson, and let forth a fearsome roar of flame that threatened to roast the very earth itself, and leave nought but a barren wasteland in its wake.

To Pidove's credit, it kept a perfectly straight face as the rather pathetic ember tickled its beak. It gave a small hoot of disdain before fluttering away.

"Yeah, we sure showed him who's boss!" I looked down at Tepig, who gave a self-satisfied oink.

"Damn, Tepig, you lookin' like one fine-arse piece of bacon today! Let's roll."

We strolled into Accumala Town. The grey skies cast a bleak and dreary light over the place; it left a rather gloomy atmosphere hanging in the air, and put me in mind of a deserted ghost town. A solitary Pokémon Centre stood like a shining red beacon against the endless sea of monochrome despair. I could hear hurried whispers in the distance – no doubt the desolate moans of lost souls. The very thought made me shiver in terror.

Ok, maybe I was being a bit melodramatic there. It was bloody freezing though. I contemplated going home and changing into an outfit that gave me a little more cover, but well, if you've got a body like this, you gotta show it off, right? I moved a bit closer to Tepig, since the little piggy seemed to radiate heat. He oinked in reply, and bounced up and down on the spot. It made me smile to see how energetic he was, even after a full day of training. Had I finally found someone who could match up to my awesomeness? I put on my macho face, stuck my hands on my hips, and sniffed the air. There was a slight hint of a bitter scent.

"You smell that, Tepig? That's the smell of victory."

I had only been given Tepig this morning, but I already felt that the two of us were beginning to develop a lifelong bond. We were solid. We were tight. I might even have gone as far as to say that we were bros, despite all evidence to the contrary (i.e., one set of female genitalia (mine, not the Pokémon's)). Tepig just _got_ me, you know?

I decided to investigate the ghostly whispers; they seemed to be coming from around the corner, and if any haunted apparitions did appear, I was sure Tepig and I could kick their arses. Because we're just _cool _like that. Honestly, I was astounded by how strong the little guy seemed to have grown in such a short space of time. So I was feeling pretty full of myself when I bumped into Cheren.

"Oh, hey White..." He glanced at me briefly before turning away.

"Still upset about me kicking your butt earlier, huh?"

"What?.. Sssh, there's a.. thing..."

I looked around for the thing. Indeed, there was a thing that happened to be happening at that very moment.

"Who's that guy?"

"Shut up, I'm trying to listen."

Wow, Cheren was such a rude boy! Still, I turned to the cause of the small crowd that had gathered. Some dude in a dress was giving a speech, while a bunch of guys dressed as knights backed him up, holding a couple of banners with a symbol on them that I didn't recognise. At first I thought that this must be someone's stag party, but no one seemed to be drunk.

"What's he talking about?"

"Something about liberating Pokémon..." Cheren mumbled, his eyes not leaving the speaker.

He spoke in a voice that was rich and velvety, like chocolate. Not the good quality stuff though. On a scale of one to chocolate heaven he might have reached, say, Cadbury's dairy milk, possibly even the fruit and nut version, although that was pushing it. A squeal by my foot alerted me to Tepig's interest in the sugary man. I held him up so he could get a better view.

"My name is Ghetsis. I am here representing Team Plasma."

The guy looked as if he could talk the legs off a duck, or something, so I took the opportunity to get a closer look at him. He had long green hair and some weird red monocle thingy going on. Instantly, I could tell there was a problem.

I nudged Cheren. "He looks like a rapist."

"What?"

"Yep, I'm definitely getting a very rapey vibe from him."

"I dunno, I think he looks alright..." Still Cheren didn't avert his gaze. I grinned.

"Cheren, I didn't realise you had a crush!"

"What? Don't be stupid!"

"I'm sorry I called your boyfriend a rapist, Cheren."

"SHUT UP! I – wait, what's going on?"

The Team Plasma dudes packed up their stuff. While Cheren watched his lover leave, I turned to the crowd, where a worried discussion had broken out. The idea of Pokémon liberation seemed to have shaken everyone a bit, although I had little idea of what it meant. All thoughts of Team Plasma were expelled from my mind faster than the evacuation of my bottom hole on curry night, however, when I saw Him.

His hair was a luscious tea-green hue, which I couldn't help noting looked very similar to Mr Creeper's; in contrast to Ghetsis, however, it actually looked good on this guy. Better than good. Positively smokin' hot, in fact. He also had the cutest face I had ever seen, maybe even cuter than mine - and that's saying something – with these big innocent eyes like two deep green pools of...uh... snot? Or maybe a swamp or something, I don't know.

A sudden breeze spread his long locks out behind him like the outstretched wings of an emerald angel. The heavens parted, and a beam of sunshine cloaked him in a shimmering golden light. Divine choirs burst into chorus, to be joined by fluffy woodland creatures, and as they sang his praises, delicate blue flowers sprung forth from the ground he trod, and grew into vast forests that expanded and enveloped the earth, stretching upwards in their everlasting desperation to touch the sun; then withered into nothingness, all in the blink of an eye. I felt my heart flutter. Truly, this was love at first sight.

His head snapped round in my direction. I turned swiftly to Cheren, who had the cheek to snigger at me, the little bugger. However, there were more important things than reprimanding him on my mind.

"Is he looking at me? He's looking at me, isn't he? Oh my God, he's looking at me! Is he looking at me? DON'T LOOK AT HIM! Is he looking?"

"How I am supposed to tell if he's looking at you when I can't look at him?"

"Shut up! Is he looking? I swear he looked right at me-"

"He's walking this way."

"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-" I started to hyperventilate, which just made me angry at myself. Why was I losing my cool like this?

The stranger spoke in a jumbled rush, as if the words were fighting to escape his mouth. "Your Pokémon... Just now, it was saying..."

Oh, to be those words, to tumble so clumsily through his lips-

"You talk too fast. I can't understand a word you're saying." Stupid smartarse Cheren, interrupting my train of thought. I realised my mouth had dropped open, and snapped it shut, hoping that no one had noticed.

Luckily, the boy's gaze seemed to be fixed somewhere a little south of my face. I giggled inwardly. I mean, I could hardly blame him for staring at my boobs, but he didn't have to be so obvious about it, did he? He started to reach forwards – wait, what?

Tepig wriggled, and leapt out of my arms into his. Realisation dawned.

"Oh, you were looking at... Tepig..."

I felt my face flush as the embarrassment swept over me. Fortunately, Cheren had managed to maintain his composure.

"What did you just say about Pokémon talking? That's stupid, everyone knows Pokémon can't talk."

The boy gave Cheren a hurt look. "Can't you hear them, either? Hmph." He looked down for a second, then locked eyes with me. "My name's N."

I opened my mouth to reply-

"I'm Cheren, and this is White."

I could strangle that boy, I swear.

"We're catching Pokémon to fill out the pokédex for Professor Juniper." He continued, as he slid those stupid glasses up his stupid face in that stupid way he stupid does. "But my main goal is to become the Champion."

N's face became a mask of disgust. "So, you're going to imprison countless Pokémon, enslave them, force them to do your bidding and get hurt, just so you can fulfil some fantasy about being the strongest?"

"_What? _That's not-"

"Don't you ever wonder? Are the Pokémon happy this way? Is this what they want? Does no one ever ask them?"

I lifted Tepig out of N's hands, and help him up to my eye level. "Tepig... we're homies, right?"

He replied with a firm, "Tepig, tep!"

"What... what does that mean?" N seemed to be puzzled.

Cheren smirked. "You're supposed to be the Pokémon whisperer here, can't you figure it out?"

N shot him a look of contempt. "He said, 'Bros before hoes.' What does that mean?"

I chuckled at Tepig's determined expression. "You're not getting jealous, are you?" He snorted, blowing a small puff of smoke into my face.

"White." I looked up. N was staring at me again. My stomach seemed to melt. "Let me hear your Pokémon's voice!"

With a small 'plip' sound, a Pokémon burst out of its ball. Heheh, I said ball. It was purple, and mewed at me.

"Aww, a kitty! So cute!" I reached down to scratch its ears.

Cheren rolled his eyes. "He wants to battle you, dufus."

"Oh. Right." I drew myself up to my full impressive height of five foot something. "We accept your challenge! Prepare to be annihilated!"

Tepig leapt forward and took up his battle stance. It was a fierce sight to behold, if I do say so myself. I wouldn't have been surprised to see N shaking in his shiny green boots, but his expression seemed to be more of concern than anything else. I decided that the best course of action would be to win him over with my pro battling skills.

"Now, Tepig! Super ultimate death flame!"

A burst of embers were sent flying towards the Purrloin. At a word from his trainer, the kitty pounced gracefully at Tepig, clearing the sparks and landing a deep scratch along his back. I winced, but Tepig spun around and launched himself with full force right into Purrloin's face, sending them both flying. What a beast! I shouted for him to follow up with ember, but Purrloin was up on his feet first, and assaulted Tepig with a barrage of scratches; he slashed at his ears, down his snout, across his eyes. Shit! I was scared and almost cried out, but I held back the fear, and the piggy was braver than I gave him credit for – he took blow after blow, enduring the pain, _waiting_ – and when Purrloin paused for breath, he was bombarded with a scorching blast of cinders.

Purrloin hissed, and leapt into N's arms. He cradled the cat against his chest, murmuring words of comfort.

"BOOYAH! High five!" I held out my palm towards Tepig, who head butted it. "Who's the greatest?"

"Tepig, tepig!"

"I never thought I'd hear a Pokémon say-"

I looked up. The thrill of victory flooded away when I saw N's face. His features were contorted with some emotion, though I couldn't tell what – was it fear? Anxiety? I cursed under my breath. Obviously I had gone too far,_ again_, and my crazy battle style had scared him off.

"As long as Pokémon are trapped inside Pokéballs, they can never become perfect. I have to change the world for Pokémon, because they're my friends." And with that, he walked away.

Cheren snorted. "Huh. What a weirdo."

"Your face is a weirdo!" I chased after N, almost pushing Cheren over in the process. I wasn't letting him get away _that_ easily.

N seemed a little shocked when I caught up to him. He just stood there in silence, so I made the first move.

"So, uh..." I sought around for something to say. "You can talk to Pokémon, huh? That's... pretty cool."

"Do you want something?" he asked.

It might have been rude coming from someone else's mouth, but it didn't sound snarky or sarcastic to me, so I decided to go for it. All or nothing.

"Do you wanna... hang out, or something?"

He looked at me as if I had grown two heads.

"No!"

I stared, dumbfounded, as he hurried away. He turned once or twice to look at me – probably to make sure I wasn't stalking him. I could hear Cheren's laughter, as I felt a mix of anger and embarrassment wash over me, building up behind the dams of self control. When N was out of earshot, they burst.

"...

...

...BITCH!"


	2. Outing Cheren

_Author Note: Thanks to everyone who's reviewed the story so far. n_n I'm always happy to hear any opinions you might have._

* * *

><p>"Do you have a dream, White?" Bianca asked.<p>

It was almost night now, and the setting sun coloured the sky in a brilliant amber. The three of us – Bianca, Cheren and I – had retreated to the homely warmth of the Pokémon centre before the frost began to set in. We weren't the only ones – the air was thick with the steady murmur of fifty different voices and the musty scent of bodies, set off against the sharp tingle of disinfectant and floor polish. We were lucky enough to have secured a table, which we sat around in a vague circle. I rested my chin on my hand. Occasionally I would feel fur brush briefly against my ankles, as my friends' Oshawott and Snivy chased each other in loops around our feet.

"Well, last night I dreamt that I was a Patrat," I replied, "And there was this huge cheese that I had to-"

"No, silly!" She giggled. "I mean, like a goal, like... like Cheren wants to be the champion!"

I snorted. The day Cheren became champion was the day I ate my hat.

"I don't really have a dream, I guess. Me and Tepig are just gonna play it cool."

"That's ridiculous," Cheren scoffed. "If you don't have a dream, what do you have to aim for? What's the point of doing anything?"

"Fine then, Mr Smarty-pants, if you really have to know," I grinned, "Me and Tepig are going to become rock stars!"

Cheren gave me an incredulous look. "You have no musical talent whatsoever."

"_Exactly._"

Bianca giggled in a way that I might have thought was childish, if I didn't know the kind of outrageous things that went on in her head. "Oh, stop fighting, you two! You're like a married couple!"

Eww! Me and... Time to change the subject, I think. "So what's your dream then, Bianca?" I asked.

"Oh, uh..." She took off her green beret and started to fiddle with it, folding the soft fabric between her fingers. "I don't know... I suppose my dream is to find out what my dream is!" She rammed the hat decisively back onto her head. Her Oshawott bumped into her leg, and gave an absent-minded mewl before skittering off again.

I glanced over my shoulder, to where Nurse Joy was busy checking on injured Pokémon. I had given her Tepig to look over, and she was taking a bloody long time about it, too – I had to remind myself not to be impatient. After all, half the world seemed to have decided to turn up at this centre today. The gathered crowd was still buzzing with excitement over Team Plasma's speech, which had been playing on my own mind non-stop since the event. Liberation? What does it mean? And not only that, but the things N had said, about Pokémon-

"What did you think of them, White?" Cheren asked.

"Ohhh, it's not fair!" Bianca wailed, as she pulled her hat down over her ears. "I can't believe I missed the whole thing! Everyone's been talking about it all day!"

"You didn't miss out on much, trust me," said Cheren. "Bunch of freaks and crazies, the lot of them."

"Huh? What are we talking about?" I murmured. I turned around to face the pair, and tried to drag my mind back into the present.

"Those Team Plasma loonies, trying to convince everyone to release their Pokémon," said Cheren. He crossed his arms. "As if. People and Pokémon only make each other stronger."

I frowned. "I don't know. I mean, battling and stuff... what if it really does hurt Pokémon? Maybe they don't like it..."

"You can't honestly believe_ that_," Cheren said. He smirked in that know-it-all way of his. "You're just saying this because you're smitten with that N person."

"Can you blame me? The guy looks like sex on legs."

"Oooh, White has a crush!" Bianca squealed. Her eyes lit up like a sparkly vampire. "Tell me, tell me! What's he like?" She clapped her hands together.

"Oh my gosh, Bianca, you should of seen him, he was _so_ cute, he had this like, cool green hair and this cool little hat and his face, oh my God, I swear, I'm in love with him, we're gonna get married and have loads of little green-haired babies-"

"Do you always have to be so over the top?" Cheren broke in. Shut up Cheren, this is my husband we're talking about. "You barely even know the guy."

"But I _love_ himmmmmmmm," I whined.

"You don't love him, you lust after him. There's a big difference."

"Oh, what do you know?" I pouted. "You've never even had a boyfriend."

Cheren faltered. Yeah, take _that_, Cheren. "Girlfriend... You mean girlfriend. I've never had a _girlfriend_."

"That just proves my point further, doesn't it?" I gave him my brightest smile. He scowled.

Bianca chimed in with a cheery, "You know, Cheren, it's ok to be gay! We'll still accept you. We promise!" She winked, and nudged him with her elbow.

"But guys, I'm not-"

"Oh, but you totally are!" Bianca interrupted. She grabbed my shoulder. "You remember that time, in Nuvema, there was that guy with no-"

"Yeah, yeah, and he couldn't take his eyes off him!" I finished. We collapsed in a heap on the table, shaking with laughter.

"I'm not... Oh, I give up. You two are impossible, I swear," he muttered, and started fiddling with his glasses like he always does when he's ticked off.

"You know, you look really _gay _when you do that," I teased.

Something within him must have snapped; his face shot into a maddened grimace like a spring-loaded dagger, whatever the hell those are.

"At least _I _don't look like a SLUT!" he screeched.

Bianca gasped, and clasped her hands over her mouth; I stood, slowly, and slapped my hands down on the table with such force that the very earth might have quaked.

"Oh no you DIDN'T!" I aimed an accusatory finger right at his smug little face. "Bitch is going DOWN!"

"Hilda White?" A clear voice rang out over the intercom. "Miss Hilda White to the front desk, please."

I shuddered. I loved my mum, and everything, but she had the _worst_ taste in names of anyone I had ever met.

"You got lucky," I muttered. I pointed to my eyes with two fingers, then back at Cheren. "This isn't over." He just smirked, while Bianca tried to muffle her laughter.

I stalked over to Nurse Joy and, oh dear, she was frowning at me. What had I done wrong now?

Her pink pigtails bobbed up and down in indignation as she handed Tepig over to me. "You should have come to me sooner. It's infected."

Huh? I looked down at Tepig. The deep scratch running across his nose had a strange purple tinge to it that I hadn't noticed before. My stomach panged with guilt.

"Take these antibiotics; there's instruction for use on the box," she said, handing me a pot of small blue pills. "Make sure he finishes the entire course. Still," she paused to ruffle his ears, "He seems happy enough. You must be doing something right. Just don't let this happen again."

I wandered back to our table, feeling a little put out. I couldn't help wondering if there was any truth in what Team Plasma had said – people battle, and Pokémon get hurt. Here was the proof, right in front of me... But, if the way Tepig snuggled against my arms was any indication, he seemed to like me, in spite of my negligence. He looked up, his black piggy eyes staring deep into mine. It was a look that seemed to say, "_Don't worry about it. We're safe, blud." _I smiled back. Of course Team Plasma was spouting nonsense. Of course they were, I told myself. No weirdoes in fancy dress could come between this friendship. Daw, I felt myself come over all mushy.

"I loveded you, piggy," I whispered to him.

* * *

><p>It was the day after the day after that, and the early morning sun was shining like a big shiny ball of flaming gas in the sky. The gas it was burning could have been the hot air that kept spewing out of Cheren's mouth, because I swear that boy just didn't understand the meaning of <em>shut up<em>. It was all Snivy this, battle that, gosh... Maybe I was being a bit harsh, but thirty-six hours of non-stop Cheren can grate on the nerves. Anyway, it was just me and my two best friends – Tepig and Bianca – plus that annoying dork-face who insisted on following us around.

We'd spent the last day traversing Route 2, and training our Pokémon. Both Snivy and Oshawott had learnt new attacks, but of course Tepig was still the most powerful by far, and I wasn't just saying that because he's mine. Ok, perhaps I was, but I was sure as hell that Tepig could kick these two's butts. This little piggy got some FIERCE battling moves, yo. I could tell he was confident, too, from the way he swaggered as he trotted in front of the group. Unfortunately (for them) the others didn't share our conviction in our combat prowess, so we were just gonna have to teach them a lesson the hard way.

"We should battle," said Cheren. Yeah Cheren, that's exactly the kind of thing you _would_ say. Well, prepare to be dazzled. "To test our Pokémon before we challenge the Striaton gym," he continued.

"Are you sure?" I asked mockingly. "I wouldn't want to dampen your spirits before the big match."

He laughed. "I've been studying your weaknesses, White." Really? What a nerd.

"Oh? And what would those be, smarty-pants?"

"Like I'm going to tell you. Snivy!" The little grass snake jumped in front of him, wearing the same smug expression that often graced Cheren's ugly mug.

"Whatever, dude. It's fire against grass-type, you don't stand a chance." I stuck my tongue out at him.

He pushed his glasses up his nose. "Type advantage isn't everything; we _good_ trainers tend to rely on skill."

"Oooh, burn!" Bianca cried.

"Enough of this tomfoolery!" I declared. "Let us commence to begin battle! Go, wonder pig, use tackle!"

"Dodge it." Cheren countered in a calm voice. Snivy side-stepped the onrushing Tepig with ease, and spun around to slap him with his tail. The blow sent Tepig flying. He landed at my feet with a thump.

"What the hell kind of move was that?"

"It's called 'Strategy,' you should try it sometime." Cheren grinned. Damn it, he was mocking me! He wasn't going to get away with that.

"Super ember attack, full power!" I shouted to Tepig, who let forth potent burst of fiery cinders.

"Vine whip." Snivy slapped away the embers as if they were nothing, and wrapped its vines around Tepig's midriff. Well, _shit._ I watched in horror as Tepig was lifted off the ground and held upside-down over Snivy's head. He then began shaking him from side to side.

"No, stop!" I cried. "He's not a piggy bank!"

Cheren smirked. "Whatever happened you 'you don't stand a chance?'"

"Snivy, Snivy!"

Damn it, now Snivy was laughing at me too! The little-

"Tackle!" Cheren commanded, and Snivy dropped Tepig, only to barrel into him with all the force of a maddened Bouffalant. The piggy rolled clumsily through the dirt, stopping at my feet, and struggled clumsily back onto his trotters. Well, this obviously wasn't working. Time to give Cheren a taste of his own medicine. I had to come up with a _strategy_.

"Tepig!" I cast around for a tactic to take, racking my brains for ideas. "Jump up and down!"

"_What?" _Cheren and Snivy could only watch, dumbfounded, as Tepig obeyed my order without question. It was a bloody good thing for me that he had, because it saved me from looking like a complete idiot. I honestly had no idea where I was going with this; I had only said it to buy some time, and it seemed to have worked at least for a few seconds but now I was wasting that time with this stupid internal monologue and fuck, there was nothing else for it. We'd just have to attack.

"CHAAAAAAAAAAARGE!" I screamed, pointed at Snivy with the most dramatic look I could muster, flames smouldering from my eyes. Metaphorical flames sprang up around Tepig, too, the burning tails of a shooting star, and he hurtled towards Snivy like a great giant pig crashing through space- No, wait a minute, he actually _was_ on fire. What?

Tepig smashed full force into Snivy, sending_ him_ flying this time – ha – and when his flames petered out, he looked around at us as if he was more confused than I was.

"Looks like Tepig learned flame charge. Impressive," Cheren grunted. Was that a compliment? Wow.

"Sweet! Charge again, piggy!"

"Dodg-" He didn't have time to finish before Tepig had collided with Snivy again. This time, the snake stayed down. I gasped.

"When did Tepig get so fast?"

"That's flame charge for you. It increases the user's speed when they successfully hit an opponent with it." Annoying or not, I had to admit that having a walking encyclopaedia for a friend did come in handy.

"Ha, we actually beat you! In your face, Cheren!" I squealed. I started doing the happy dance, which Tepig joined in.

Cheren sighed, shrugged his shoulders, and returned Snivy to its pokéball. "Do you have to be such a bad winner? Besides, you got lucky."

"Say what you want, you know we owned you." I tried to keep a cool composure, but I couldn't help gloating a little; inside I was bubbling with the excitement of victory. I picked up Tepig, who was panting heavily. His face was flushed a brighter red than usual, giving him the complexion of a ripe tomato. In spite of his exhaustion, he gave an oink that sounded almost as self-satisfied as I felt.

"Wow, wow! You two are such strong trainers!" Bianca punched the air, and stamped her feet shoulder length apart in a heroic pose. "And I'm the official cheerleader!" She grabbed Oshawott, and squeezed him in such a tight embrace that his eyes bulged. "Don't you think it's interesting how we all chose Pokémon that are similar to us?"

"Do you mean like how Oshawott is adorable, just like you?" Cheren asked slyly, ever the romantic. Yeah, right. This must have been part of some elaborate scheme to get her on his side, rather than mine.

"Oh, Cheren you sweetheart," she blushed. "And Snivy is so intelligent, like you!"

Okay seriously, what is this? I hadn't realised Valentine's day was in September.

"What about me and Tepig?" I asked.

Bianca suppressed a giggle. "Well, White... you eat like a pig!" She burst into laughter.

Cheren snickered. He waggled one finger at me, his other hand placed on his hip in a way that made him look ridiculously camp. "Yes, you do eat far too much, thunder-thighs."

Ok, that was the final straw! I felt the steam pouring out of my ears. "Fuck you, Cheren! I have an excellent figure."

"Hilda White! How dare you use such atrocious language!" Bianca shouted, her hands on _her_ hips and her eyes bright with mock-anger. "I have half a mind to wash your mouth out with soap, young lady!"

I rolled my eyes. "You're not my Mum, Bianca."

Speak of the devil: My Xtransceiver chose that moment to ring. _Friday, Friday, gotta get down on-_

"Hello, Mum. Your ears must be burning."

"Hi, sweetie! It's me, your Mum!" she said.

"I know Mum, I can see you on the screen..."

"You'll never guess what happened today!" She flapped her hands in excitement. "I walked out of the house, and there were two Pidoves, doing it right there on the front lawn!"

What the hell? "Mum, did you ring me just to tell me that?"

"Yep. I love you. Bye sweetie!" With that, she hung up.

* * *

><p>And now it was later that same day. We had found our way in Striaton, and not a moment too soon (we were all beginning to smell a bit after a day and a night out in the open – luckily, Pokémon centres provide free showers for trainers) and after resting for a few hours, plus a slap-up lunch, we were raring to go. Bianca had rushed back to Route 2, claiming she wanted to capture a Lillipup before she challenged the gym, so Cheren and I made our way over there without her.<p>

The busy streets of Striaton provided a stark contrast to our hometown of Nuvema – there was _actual_ pavement underfoot! How fancy. Cheren led me through the roads bordered by towering stone giants and assorted buildings. It wasn't a large city, but it was so different to what I was used to, and Tepig and I stared in amazement at the urban scenery. We might have gotten lost if we were alone, but luckily our hero Mr Nerdy-Pants had memorised the town map. And that wasn't the only thing he'd been swotting up on, which he made sure to tell me at every opportunity.

"Do you know _anything_ about the gym leader?" he asked, as we rounded a corner, passing a bunch of kids who were chasing after a Patrat and making more noise about it than a bloody noisy thing, and lots of them. Damn kids.

"All I know is that we're gonna kick their butt so hard they won't be able to sit down for a week." I smiled haughtily. "Right, Tepig?"

"Tepig, Tepig!"

"You can't just barge in without a strategy and expect to win, you know." Cheren adjusted his spectacles and pulled a small notebook out of his pocket. He flicked through the pages, every inch of which were covered in his pointed handwriting. "I've been researching the leaders' battle style, and I believe I have the perfect plan to assure victory."

"Really? When did you find the time to do that?"

"Back in the Pokémon centre, I used the computer to access the gym leader battle video database." The what now? I didn't even know one of those existed. I'd have to take a look for myself later.

"Oh, is that what you were doing? I thought you were watching gay porn."

He gave me a look that said, quite clearly: _You are the stupidest person alive._ "Why the hell would you think that?"

"All I could hear from that computer was a bunch of men screaming. I thought it sounded dirty."

"You think everything sounds dirty."

"True."

I followed Cheren into a small restaurant, which was odd, because I thought we were going to the gym? But hey, if Cheren's paying, I'm not complaining. The decor was warm and inviting; chocolate brown set against a red, blue and green motif. A waitress in a rather revealing skirt bustled over.

"Table for two?"

"We're here for a gym battle," Cheren told her, and she led us towards the back of the building, a set of velvet curtains parting dramatically as we passed. So this was the gym? But I was hungry...

Three men stood waiting for us, dressed in identical black suits and frilly aprons, each with their own fancy hair do. Wow, this must be the kind of thing Cheren dreams about. The waitress bowed and hurried away, leaving the men to introduce themselves.

The red one said, "I'm Chili, and I like to heat it up with fire types, pew pew!"

The blue one said, "It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance. I am Cress, and I specialise in water types."

The red one cleared his throat loudly, and waggled his eyebrows meaningfully at the blue one. The blue one sighed.

"Fine... Water types. Splish, splish."

The green one said, "And I'm, uh... My name..."

"Cilan," the blue one prompted.

"Right! I'm Cilan, and, I like grass types. Um..." He turned to the red one. "What noise does a grass type make?"

"Buggered if I know," Chili said cheerfully.

"Well, _I'm _White," I said, leaping forward, "And if you want to save yourselves some embarrassment, you might as well hand over the Trio badge right now!" From behind me I heard the familiar sound of Cheren's palm hitting Cheren's face, but I ignored it. I pointed to Tepig, who was stood beside me with his chest puffed out. "This little piggy's gonna mess ya up."

"So Tepig is your partner," said Cress. He walked towards me, his movements fluid and full of self control. He held one hand flat on his chest, the other behind his back, and bowed. "That means you will be battling me."

"Wait, what? You're going to make me battle the one Tepig's weak against? How the hell is that fair?" I crossed my arms. "I want to fight the green one."

He let out a short, bubbly laugh. "Gym battles are meant to be a challenge, after all. You either battle me, or you leave empty handed." He closed his eyes and lowered his head momentarily. "Of course, I should warn you that even if you do choose to battle, there is still a large chance that you will not win."

"Uh... Give me a second, will you?" I sidled over to Cheren, and whispered in his ear. "So, do you wanna tell me more about that strategy you mentioned earlier?"

He raised a cheeky eyebrow. "Give me one good reason why I should help you."

"Because we're friends?"

"Try harder."

"Um... I'll be nice to you for the rest of the day?" I tried.

"Now there's an offer I can't refuse." He rolled his eyes. "Well, I suggest you use flame charge. If you can get Tepig to increase his speed sufficiently, you may have an easier time dodging their attacks and getting in close for a tackle. Also-"

"Flame charge, tackle, got it. Thanks!"

"But I'm not-"

I stepped forwards and nodded. "Okay! Cress of Striaton gym, we challenge you! Prepare to be assimilated!"

"Panpour, my friend." A blue monkey appeared before me. It was pretty cute actually, with its chubby little monkey-cheeks, aww. But this was no time to mess around.

"Flame charge!" I commanded. Tepig stampeded towards Panpour, who stood perfectly still, wearing an incurious blank expression.

"Use water gun to knock them away." Panpour sprung into action, blasting Tepig with a jet of icy-cold water. It hit him head on, and forced him backwards with such power that he collided against the wall behind me with a loud _CRASH! _It left a small crater at the impact site.

Ok, so that was a pretty bad start. We probably couldn't afford to take another hit like that. It just meant that we'd have to be a bit more careful.

"Flame charge again!" The air around Tepig ignited once more, and he rushed towards Panpour, who's cheeks bulged as he shot another stream of water.

"Watch out, quick!" I squealed; Tepig did a barrel roll to the left, and the water missed him by an inch. His flames dissipated, however, and he had lost all momentum from his charge.

"Ok, flame charge one more time!" Third time lucky, right?

Cress raised an eyebrow. "You just keep repeating the same moves. Do you really think that's going to get you anywhere?"

I growled under my breath; if we could _just _get this hit in, I knew we could take him down. The fire rose up around the piggy, but Panpour leapt right over his head as he steamed past. Ah crap, he was gonna crash right into the wall again – his trotters scrambled franticly in an effort to stop himself, and he ended up toppling into a jumbled heap.

"This is our chance, Panpour! Get in close and use scratch!" Cress shouted. The monkey leapt towards Tepig, but Tepig had untangled his feet in the nick of time and soared right back at him, knocking Panpour down with vigour. Tepig wasted no time in forming another flame charge, and this time it connected! Woot! The force sent Panpour skidding back towards his trainer.

"Sweet! Now, one more time!" Tepig was so much faster this time, just a blurred red dart hurtling towards its blue target. Yeah! We had this in the bag.

And then the damn monkey side-stepped it as if it were nothing! Bloody hell, that thing was speedy. Tepig ground to a halt, snorting in annoyance. Well, Cheren's stupid strategy wasn't working, so it was time to start thinking on my feet. I did have one secret special technique that I had been saving for an emergency, and it looked like it would be our only chance to win this match.

"Okay, Tepig," I declared, "Use your SUPER SEXY TAIL WHIP!"

Tepig turned around and began shaking that thing all up in Panpour's face. The monkey could only stare in awe as Tepig's generous buttocks wiggled and danced. Aww yeah.

"Snap out of it, Panpour," Cress barked. Of course, I couldn't give Panpour a chance to recover. I had to play my part.

"Hey, Cress," I called seductively; I bent forwards, using my shoulders to push my chest out, and shimmied. I threw in a wink for good measure.

His face flushed bright red. Great success! And now to fulfil the final stage of my evil scheme.

"FLAMING PIG OF DEATH!" I screeched, so loud that the sound reverberated throughout the whole restaurant, causing a waitress to drop a plate of soup into a man's lap. Serves them damn right for serving soup in plates, the weirdoes.

Tepig barrelled into the stunned Panpour, sending him soaring across the battlefield; he immediately jumped back onto his feet, but stumbled a little – at last, we were getting somewhere.

"Panpour..." Cress mumbled, shaking his head to bring himself out of his daze. "Use, um... Lick..."

Use what now? Panpour advanced menacingly on Tepig, wiggling his fingers above his head and twirling his tongue around his lips suggestively. Hell no, no Pokémon of mine is getting molested!

"Tepig, protect your flower! Use tackle!" Tepig smashed into the encroaching Panpour in one last devastating blow, knocking him to the floor, too tired to get up again.

I could only stare in amazement at the scene; slowly, it dawned on me that we had actually done it.

"Tepig!" I shrieked, jumping ten feet off the ground, "We actually won our first gym battle! WE'RE INVINCIBLE!" Tepig was clearly exhausted; he flopped over onto his side, panting, but still managed to give a victorious squeal. I withdrew him into his pokéball.

Cress chuckled nervously. "I must concede, you certainly have a... strong bond with your Pokémon."

"And I believe that it's my turn now," Cheren said, stepping forwards. Chili nodded at him.

Five minutes later, I was gawping in slack-jawed astonishment. Cheren brushed past me, wearing an arrogant little smirk.

"_That's _how you do it."

"You... He..." I babbled, "You defeated him in two attacks! He didn't even touch Snivy! How the hell did you do that?"

"I told you, if you just take your time to plan out your attacks... Whereas you, White, just rode in on your high Blitzle and expected it to be easy. Really, you're far too overconfident."

"Oh, is that the weakness of mine you were talking about this morning?" I asked, as we walked out of the restaurant slash gym thing.

"One of them, yes."

"Well, I know what your weakness is," I said sweetly, giving him my biggest smile.

"Oh? And what is it?"

"You like it up the bum."

I could see his face turning red with rage, as he hissed grouchily, "You have to be nice to me, remember? That was the deal."

"Oh. Sorry."

"Go on, then."

"Uh... You're pretty?"

"Be serious, White." He folded his arms and tapped his foot. "I'm waiting."

"Fine," I grumbled, "I... am actually a little tiny bit jealous of your intelligence."

"I knew it!" He grinned.

"Hey, I said only a _little-_" I was interrupted by sudden screaming.

"Help, help! Cheren, White – please, oh God, we have to help!" Bianca barrelled into both of us, nearly knocking us over in her panicked frenzy. Tears were streaming from her eyes.

Cheren grabbed her. "What happened? Bianca, are you alright? Are you hurt?"

"They're beating it!" Her high-pitched wailed rung in my ears. "This poor little Pokémon, they're hurting it – it was crying! Please, we have to help it!" She ran, and we rushed after her.

She led us through the city, to an area I haven't seen before - it was dimly light, surrounded on all sides by trees. We followed her through the ruins of an abandoned building, its roof fallen in places, broken glass littering the floor. But there was no time to take in the scenery. She stopped abruptly and pointed.

"There..." she croaked. I followed her gaze.

Two human figures, one male one female, and a little pink blob, were standing in the gloom. I recognised the people instantly – they were wearing the same outfits, that weird knight-armour-suit thing, as I had seen in Accumula town. Team Plasma.


	3. Sperm says Spli, Chibi says Derp

Chapter 3

"_Cough up the fucking dream mist, you little piece of shit!"_

The grunt lashed out, striking a violent blow to the Munna's head; it tumbled ungracefully through the air, crashing against a wall with a bone shattering thump. It cried out in pain, pleading, begging for mercy – its tiny form was no match for the thickset, muscled build of its tormentor.

"Not playing ball, huh?" He walked, slowly, to where Munna had fallen, stroking the stubble on his angular chin. "You're only making this more difficult for yourself." With the reflexes of a Purrloin, he seized a stubby leg and twisted, so that bones snapped and bent at unusual angles. Another weak whimper escaped Munna's trembling lips.

"This is taking too long," said the second grunt; she was female, taller than her companion, and shared the same vibrant orange hair and ridiculous outfit. "The dream mist is inside it, right? Can't we just slash it open?"

"It's worth a shot." He crouched down, reached around to his back pocket-

"What the _fuck_ do you think you're doing?" I burst in, guns blazing, like a white knight challenging an evil sorcerer; by my sides, Bianca blubbered gently while Cheren's hands balled into fists of rage. I felt bile rising in my throat. Seeing Munna just lying there, looking so small, so broken – it filled me with such an indescribable anger that I thought I might explode. Someone was going to have to _pay_.

The male grunt glanced up at me, not bothered in the slightest. "Piss off, kid. We're busy." He turned his back to us, extracting another squeal of terror from the tiny pink Pokémon.

"How dare you hurt this Munna like that? You're disgusting! I think it's time somebody taught you a lesson." I cracked my knuckles, and grabbed the grunt's shoulder to turn him around.

Anger flashed in his eyes as he spun to face me. "Who the fuck do you think you are, kid?" he growled.

I put on the most intimidating look I could muster, breathed in deeply and stood tall, posing dramatically like a superhero. I was the defender of the defenceless, the vigilante of justice, a warden for the weak and powerless. I spoke in a voice that rumbled with the drama of thunder.

"I'm White, I'm the best damn trainer you've ever met, and I'm going to kick your a-"

It hit me like a fist to the face, because that's what it was. The force of the punch sent me stumbling backwards, and as I fell into the scattered debris that coated the floor I could taste something sharp and metallic. I brought my hand up to my mouth. A splash of dark red confirmed that my lip was bleeding.

_Ouch. _That fucking hurt! The bastard.

I rubbed my aching jaw as I tried to stand, my legs wobbling dangerously beneath me. In a sort of confused daze I saw Cheren leap forwards and try to retaliate against the grunt with a punch of his own, but with surprising speed the man caught Cheren's hand around the wrist, stopping him dead. Snivy burst from his pokéball and used his vines to trip the grunt over, just as Bianca released a Lillipup, screeching something about not touching her friends. The two Plasma members sent out a Patrat and Purrloin to defend themselves, and not a second later Tepig had escaped from his pokéball, too, and was charging towards the enemy with all the strength he could summon, sending both himself and the Patrat rolling across the ground.

But Tepig was too tired, still exhausted from his battle at the gym; Patrat was up in no time, battering Tepig with a barrage of skull-cracking tackles, ramming him repeatedly into the ground, grinding his face into the dirt; and without seeming to exert itself at all, the Patrat lifted Tepig above his head and threw him forcefully against a wall. I could only watch in horror, rooted to the spot, as he fell heavily to the floor and rolled clumsily through the leaf mould and litter. He didn't get up.

"Tepig!" I screamed, finding my legs and rushing towards him, stumbling on something hidden and falling flat on my face. Tepig still didn't move.

"Shit, shit, shit-" Why wasn't he moving? Was he unconscious? Was he even breathing? I half crawled, half dragged myself towards him, coughing and spluttering ferociously. Around me a fierce battle had begun. Attacks flew over my head, accompanied by the shrieks of people and Pokémon alike, but they barely even registered in my mind.

"Tepig, say something, please-" I reached out to the fallen Pokémon and pulled him into my arms. As I cradled him against my chest I put my hand over his – I could feel it rise and fall with the effort of breathing, but it was clearly just that, a huge effort – the movement was laboured and arrhythmic. I felt the panic begin to grow, to bubble up and boil over the sides.

Tepig was hurt, badly. And it was my fault. My fault for charging in like I owned the place, for thinking I was all high and mighty when really, I was pathetic, just a pathetic failure of a trainer who couldn't even protect her own Pokémon. And now Tepig was unconscious. He probably had concussion, after taking those blows. Brain damage. Internal bleeding. He could be dying, because of me. Tepig was dying, and it was all my fault. And the worst part was that he had been trying to protect _me_. I didn't deserve that. I didn't deserve it, after the way I had run my mouth off, so full of myself, not even bothering to take anyone else into account – just look where it had gotten me. Tepig was dead, and I-

"PLASMAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

The male grunt issued forth a harrowing call that chilled me to my very core. The shock of it momentarily broke me out of my stupor, and looking around, it seemed to have had the same affect on the others. Cheren and Bianca had frozen, staring in bewilderment. Even his companion, the other grunt, had stopped battling and was glaring at him so hard I thought her eyes might pop out.

"Do you have to be such a fucking drama queen, Steve?" she said. Still glowering, she withdrew her Purrloin back into its pokéball. I blinked. It dawned on me that, while I was busy being a selfish bitch, Bianca and Cheren had been kicking some serious arse.

The blonde bombshell bounced forwards, choking back the tears that were streaming down her face. "You two get away from Munna right now!" she shrieked, at a pitch that only Lillipups should be able to hear.

"Piss off, we still need the dream mist." The grunts turned back to Munna, who had attempted to drag itself into a corner. Bianca tensed up as if to pounce, but then suddenly: GHETSIS.

"What are you two doing, goofing off?" he growled, in a voice far more menacing and at least fifty percent creepier than I remembered it from Accumula Town. "If you can't fulfil your duties, I have something here that perhaps you would prefer to goof with..."

Where the hell did he come from? He just appeared out of nowhere! Was he a ninja?

"Shit, Mary, let's get out of here," the grunt apparently named 'Steve' hissed, tugging anxiously at his partner's sleeve. "He looks mad."

"Nuh..." Mary mumbled. She was transfixed, staring unblinkingly at Ghetsis. "I wanna stay for the punishment..."

"Are you insane?" Steve grabbed her hand and rushed out of the half-building, pulling her along behind him. As soon as they had left, Ghetsis disappeared.

In his place was a large pink thingy. It looked like Munna, only fatter, as if it had spent the past three years sitting on a couch eating nothing but Big Macs.

"That must be Musharna," said Cheren. Trust him to know _everything._ It's a wonder his head is as small as it is. "The evolved form of Munna... It could have used it powers to show us a dream. That could explain it." Huh. I still preferred my ninja theory.

"Oh, Munna! That poor thing!" Bianca squealed, rushing forwards and sweeping the Pokémon into her arms. It whimpered in protest, but she hushed it like a mother humming to her child. "Shh... I'm helping you." She turned around, eyes alight. "We need to help them! Quickly!"

_Shit!_ How could I forget about Tepig? Was I really that horrible? I clutched him tight, and all three of us rushed out of the building, Cheren supporting me when I stumbled. We ran faster than a Liepard on fire until we reached the Striaton Pokémon centre.

I kept my gaze on the floor as we approached Nurse Joy. I couldn't face those same judging eyes that had scolded me in Accumula, feeling as I did now. I knew well enough what I had done wrong. I wouldn't have been surprised if they had taken Tepig away from me there and then, but the nurse said nothing. She motioned wordlessly to an Audino, who carried Tepig and Munna away on a stretcher.

She followed them into a back room and remained there for some time, while I sat with the others, staring out of a window as the guilt ate away at me. After what seemed like a lifetime she returned, carrying a phone - but not Tepig, I noted as my stomach panged with dread.

"That poor Munna has clearly been abused by a human," she said sullenly. "I'm calling the police."

Bianca jumped up. She could really be terrifying when she was angry; the look in her eyes was _fierce_. "It wasn't us! We-"

"I'm not blaming you for this at all," she replied, silencing Bianca with a wave of her hands. "I'm just telling you because you'll all have to give statements."

The police were _weird_. They arrived in a blaze of righteous fury, the two of them. One short, one tall and fat, limbs flailing all over the place, but desperately keen to stop those dreadful old Pokémon abusers. And then, when we told them what Team Plasma had done, they lost interest entirely. I swear, the snooty ginger one actually _sneered_ at me over the top of his notebook. Sneered. At me! What a bitch. Still, he scribbled down everything we told him. When we were finished, the one with the face like a pancake made of freckles thanked us for our co-operation, although I'm sure I heard him mutter something about wasting time before they left.

The whole thing had made me feel more than a little disgruntled, on top of everything else.

"What the hell was their problem?" I asked to the world in general.

Cheren closed his eyes and slowly shook his head at the floor. "His pen wasn't even clicked," he said.

"What?"

"No ink coming out."

He turned to say something to Bianca, and I wandered over to the front counter. Not a minute later Nurse Joy appeared, holding a listless Tepig.

"Piggy!" I reached out towards Tepig, who looked up and squealed weakly at the sound of my voice. He seemed to be exhausted, but he was ok, thank God. I offered a silent prayer to any deity that might be listening.

"He had a nasty bump," said the Nurse, as she handed him gingerly to me. "He needs plenty of rest. But apart from that, he's fine. Munna, I'm afraid, isn't doing so well... but it's in a stable condition, at least." She smiled wearily before returning to the back room.

_Just a bump?_ She made it sound so trivial! Tepig had almost died! I supposed that that was good news about Munna, though, so I slunk back over to the gang to tell them. They were deeply engrossed in a conversion.

"I don't understand... What does it mean?" said Bianca, the confusion clear in her pouting face.

"It means we're going to have the take them down ourselves," Cheren replied. "Are you in, White?"

"Take who down?" I asked.

"Team Plasma. They're nothing but a bunch of hypocrites."

"...Oh," I mumbled, suddenly not able to meet their eyes. I must have looked upset, because Bianca put her arms around me.

"I understand if you're scared, White," she began. I interrupted.

"I'm not scared." That was a lie. I was honestly terrified, of losing Tepig, of how badly I thought he had been hurt; but also, of what Team Plasma could be doing to innocent Pokémon this very moment. "I'm angry." I exhaled quickly as my face twisted into a frown. "Anyone who could do that to a Pokémon, while claiming to be helping them..."

"It's just so wrong wrong wrong!" Bianca finished, her own face set and resolute. She held out a hand at arm's length in front of her. I nodded, and put my hand on top. Cheren followed suit.

"Gooooooooooooooooooo Team Bianca!" She cried, flinging all of our hand up into the air. Tepig gave an excited oink.

"Hey! How come you get to pick the team name?" I said.

"Because I'm the cutest." Smiling smugly, she turned her back on us and stuck her hands on her hips. "And everyone knows that the cutest one is always the team leader!"

"Huh, that's not true for Team Plasma," Cheren snorted. "That Ghetsis is a right ugly bastard."

"Oh, you don't fancy him anymore, then?" I grinned and nudged Cheren in the chest. He scowled at me.

"So you're feeling better now!" Bianca spun around and pulled both of us into one of her rib-crushing hugs, knocking the wind out of us. I gasped for air, and Cheren tried desperately to extract his face from her bosom. "Then it's settled. Our mission is to stop Team Plasma!"

* * *

><p>After that day we split up again. Bianca was determined to stay behind and make sure that Munna recovered safely, and I trusted that it would be in good hands, while Cheren claimed that he wanted to check out the Trainers' School before he left. He made up some sort of excuse about there always being more to learn, but I'm sure it was just that he had a classroom fetish. Either way, that left just Tepig and me to venture out into the wilderness alone.<p>

Our journey through route three was uneventful. I was still wary of Tepig getting hurt, so I kept him close to me, and stuck to the roads rather than risking the tall grass. Occasionally he would chase after a wild Pokémon, and my heart would explode with fear as I screeched for him to come back, scolding him for being so careless. All in all we took at easy and enjoyed the scenery. Or at least I did. I could tell that Tepig was becoming aggravated with the lack of battling, but I just couldn't take that risk.

We arrived at Nacrene City after about a week of travelling, and stopped off at the Pokémon centre before taking a look around town. It was a beautiful place, with a really pleasant, calm atmosphere; the fields and trees that surrounded the city on all sides lent it a drowsy summer smell like that of a fresh meadow. Peppered over the streets were warehouses that had been converted into stores, and studios, and one in particular that I noted that rented out musical instruments. Through open doors I glimpsed some amazing artwork, which I would have liked to take a closer look at, but Tepig had other ideas.

He pushed and tackled my legs, guiding me towards a museum which turned out, once inside, to also be the gym. We wandered through the exhibits, and were introduced to the gym leader, Lenora. She seemed very friendly, and asked us if we were there to battle.

I wasn't too sure, but Tepig was feeling as confident as ever, and so the challenge begun. And lasted for about two minutes. Lenora sent out a freaky looking Pokémon that I was told was called Watchog, and proceeded to send Tepig to sleep with Hypnosis, then batter him into submission.

The shock of such a one-sided battle shot through my heart like an arrow. The image of Tepig's defeat at the hands of Team Plasma was still fresh in my mind, but I slowly felt the fear dissipate as I realised that this time, the only wounds had been to Tepig's pride. He grunted indignantly at me as I picked him up.

"It looked like your mind was on something else, sweetie," Lenora told me, before we left. "If your heart isn't in the battle, you'll never succeed as a trainer."

Tepig was mad at me. I didn't blame him. It was entirely my fault that we had lost.

"Pig, Tepig!" he screeched at me once we were outside, and ran off into the distance.

"Hey, where are you going?" I called after him. "Don't leave me! Please..."

I followed him as he rushed out of the city, through I road I hadn't seen before. I found him eventually, in a field full of long grass that marked the entrance to a large forest. He was tackling a wild Sawk, which lumbered off into the overgrowth while Tepig was distracted by my arrival.

"Oh..." I knelt down, and sighed as Tepig nuzzled his snout against my hand. "You just wanted to train... I've been moping around like a whiny bitch, haven't I?"

He nodded. "Tepig, Tep."

"Hey! You're not supposed to say yes!" I nudged him away with the back of my palm, but a smile was beginning to break out across my face. "I suppose a friendly battle or two isn't going to kill you."

"Pig Pig Tep Tepig Pig Tep!" He rolled his eyes.

"Ok," I said, as I stood up, "No more whinging. We've got to get down to business. After all, we can't afford to let Cheren get stronger than us, or he'll never let us live it down. Let's go!"

Before we could move, however, I was distracted by a stream of bubbles floating past my face.

"Ooh, shiny!" I clapped my hands together, trying to pop the bubbles between them.

"Spli, spli!"

I heard a strange voice from a little way away, and Tepig ran over to investigate. I followed him through the grass, and found him engaged in what appeared to be a game of tag with a wild Tympole. He danced in and out of the bubbles that spewed from Tympole's mouth, jumping and snapping at them in mid air.

"Catch the bubbles, Tepig!" I squealed with laughter. It looked like fun, so decided to join them. We ran through the grass, trying to pop the bubbles before they landed on the ground; when one hit Tepig in the eye, he squealed with rage and flame-charged after Tympole, who bounced around me in circles until they both wore out, giggling non-stop as they went.

"Looks like you've made a friend." I smiled at Tepig, who glanced meaningfully at my bag. Oh, of course! I reached in and pulled out an empty pokéball.

"Care to join us, Tympole?" He jumped in what I assumed to be an affirmative fashion, so I tapped the ball on his head. He was sucked inside, and settled down without a struggle.

"I just caught..." I stood up, holding the pokéball above my head like a trophy, "A Tympole! I AM THE GREATEST TRAINER ALIVE!"

I let him back out into the grass. He made a happy sort of noise, and snuggled up to Tepig.

"Welcome to the team." I knelt down and patted him on the head. "Ha, you look exactly like a sperm! That's hilarious."

"Spli, spli!" He replied.

"'Spli'? What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"He asked you what a sperm is," said a voice from behind me. I turned around.

Oh boy. Oh, lordy lordy lordy. I couldn't believe I had forgotten about him – I suppose I had been a _little_ busy since I left Accumula Town, but now, looking at that gorgeous face, it was astonishing to think he had left my mind for even a second. Here he was, in all his glory. The one, the only, the super sexy N.

God, White, try not to drool.

"Oh, N! It's nice to see you again," I said, as I put on my biggest smile and hoped to hell that I didn't look too scruffy. So far, so good. I felt a little weak at the knees, but I was determined not to make a fool of myself like last time.

"Aren't you going to tell him?" he asked.

"What?"

"Aren't you going to tell Tympole what a sperm is?" he persisted.

"Um... no."

"Oh." He sounded a little disappointed.

"Tepig!" The little piggy ran up to N. At first I thought he was happy to see him, but then he head-butted him rather violently in the legs, making him stumble backwards a little. Crap, I didn't want Tepig to scare him off. N seemed to be undaunted, though, and crouched down so he was closer to eye level with Tepig.

"Tepig Pig Tepi, Tepig Pig Pig Tep!" he squealed. He sounded kind of ticked off. Oh dear.

"Is that so? In that case, I'm terribly sorry, Tepig. Please accept my apology," said N.

Tepig seemed slightly mollified, thank goodness. "Tepig Tepig, Pig Tep Pig."

"Dudes? But you- Ah, I understand," N said, nodding as he smiled. "Zoroark explained it to me. Anyway, it appears to be healing nicely." His long fingers traced the line down Tepig's snout, where his Purrloin had scratched it up back in Accumula. He placed Tepig back on the ground and stood up.

"Anyone want to explain to me what all that was about?" I asked.

"Tepig."

"Not particularly," said N. He scratched at the dirt on his sleeve absent-mindedly.

Here was my chance. Ok, White, you can do this. You're a young, groovy hip chick who won't take no for an answer. Ask him out. Just do it! What are ya, chicken? Bock bock bock.

"I saw a cute little café back in Nacrene City," I said, taking a wobbly step towards him. "Do you want to get a bite to eat with me?"

"Um..." He hesitated, his face falling into a worried frown. _Don't give him a chance to think, don't let him escape. _I knew there was one thing we had in common, at least.

"Maybe you could tell me more about the talking Pokémon?" I hazarded.

His face lit up with a bright smile. _Yes!_ "Do you want to hear their voices, too? I could teach you," he said, the words gushing out like a raging waterfall.

As we walked towards the city I decided to take a closer look at him. I wanted to take in every detail, so that he would remain crystal clear and perfect in my memory for ever. I wanted to absorb the very essence that was N. I realised that that sounded a little creepy, but hey, if I cared what people thought about what I thought about I'd never think anything. I went through the senses.

Sight. His beautiful grass-like hair that I wanted to snuggle my face into. I bet it'd be soft and fluffy, like cuddling a cloud. I marvelled at his skin, which was such an unbelievable pale shade of white, as if he'd had all of the blood drained out of him, as if he'd never spent a single day in the sun. His outfit seemed to be designed to cover the maximum amount of his body possible, from the top of his neck to the tip of his toes, and a black and white hat shaded his face – it was a very cute hat. I would like to steal it. I watched with fascination all of his little mannerisms – the way his fingers wound through each other and the little trinket around his waist as he spoke; the way his face shone (was it with determination, or some other emotion I couldn't quite make out?) when he spoke about his Pokémon friends; the way he walked with a slight limp - actually, that was odd. I'm sure he wasn't limping back in Accumula Town.

"Are you alright, N?" I asked. "You're walking funny."

"Am I?" He stopped, his face blank and eyes wide. "I – I've broken my leg a couple of times. Occasionally it plays up," came the hurried response. He gave an apologetic smile and kept walking.

I continued onto sound. Although the words fled his mouth faster than a bullet train on acid, his voice itself was smooth and controlled, like a gentle lover. I could have listened to him all day, as he babbled on about something I wasn't paying attention to, though now and again I would catch words like 'Pokémon,' 'freedom,' and once, 'big meanie-pants trainers,' which made me choke on my own breath in a giggle fit. Every time he paused, he looked at me. I would nod along, and his eyes would sparkle with joy, which made my heart flutter. I listened not to the words, but the voice – it washed over me like a harmonious melody.

And as for smell – I leant closer to him and breathed in deeply through my nose.

He turned around, his delicate green eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "Did you just smell me?" he asked.

"Um... I thought you would smell minty," I admitted, cheeks blushing a little. Damn it White, can't you act normal for once?

I decided not to try for the other two senses just yet.

We arrived at the Café Warehouse, a dinky little place with polished wooden furnishings, and lumbered over to the front counter.

"Ooh, they sell Moomoo Milkshakes!" I noted with delight. Them things is damn tasty. "Do you want one, N?"

I was shocked at the sudden change on his expression; he gave me a look of such _disgust_ that you might of thought I'd asked him to throttle a baby or something.

He practically _hissed_ at me. "To make those milkshakes, countless Miltanks are locked up on farms, forced to have an egg every year so they produce milk, and then have their babies stolen away from them-"

"Whoa, ok." I broke in before his rant could get out of hand. "Water, then?"

"Yes, thank you," he replied, calming down a little, although his feathers were still ruffled. "You see, this is exactly the kind of thing I was telling you about earlier. People only use Pokémon for their own gain." He shook his head.

I bought our drinks – water and a cup of black coffee for me, because I was feeling a little guilty about drinking dairy after that – plus a fruit smoothie with two straws for Tepig and Tympole, and we settled down at a Table outside the café. I laughed at the ludicrous slurping noises that Tympole made as he drank.

"I'm thinking of naming him Dobby," I said.

"Dobby?" N murmured. He was sat right on the edge of his seat, and fidgeted uncomfortably. "That doesn't bode well."

"What do you mean?"

"Have you read the final Harry Potter book?" he asked, perking up at this more interesting turn of conversation.

"No, I'm only up to the fifth one, so don't spoil the ending for me," I joked. I nudged his hand, which was tracing the lines on the woodwork of the table, but he quickly withdrew it and grasped the edge of the tabletop so hard that his knuckles turned white, if it was possible for them to get any paler.

Well, that was annoying. I had tried to touch him once or twice – just on the arm, mind you, no dirty stuff – and each time he had been repelled. It wasn't like I had even grabbed his arse yet. Did he think I was icky, or something? It was so unusual for someone to resist my seductive charms that I felt a little lost about what to next. I decided to keep him talking.

"Do you read a lot?" I asked.

"Yes!" He leant forwards with his hands palm-down on the table, smiling this big innocent smile that was ridiculously adorable. "Well, at home I mostly read books on mathematics, which are fascinating of course, but they're so different from the stories – they have such a huge library here, it's amazing. Yesterday I read this book, it was about a Lillipup who was separated from his family, but then a boy found him, a human boy, and they searched through the forest until-"

Wait a second... _'The Happy Lillipup'?_ Didn't we read this at school when we were like, six? I zoned out as N babbled on through his description of a plot that should have bored anyone his age to death and back again, and focused instead on his rapid-moving lips. Damn, they were sexy lips. All pink and shiny and stuff. I wanted to do things to those lips... Nah, I wanted those lips to do things to me – Hold on, White, he's saying something different.

N sighed wistfully. "If all humans treated Pokémon like that little boy did, I wouldn't have to liberate them."

"Liberate?" Where had I heard that before?.. _Oh."_You're starting to sound an awful lot like those Team Plasma bastards, N," I said. I leant forwards and narrowed my eyes at him.

He seemed shocked; his owns eyes shot open wider than your mama's lady hole (yeah, I went there) and his smile dropped away. "Bas- That was a rude word that you used there, White," he said.

"Well, it's true! You should have seen what they did to that poor Munna-"

"What Munna?" he asked, his voice suddenly anxious. I explained what had happened in Striaton, although I left out the part about my incompetence almost getting Tepig killed, because there's honesty and then there's being really stupid and I was trying to make a good impression here, after all.

"I... I can't believe they would do that..."He looked like a little puppy that'd been kicked in the face; tears were welling up in the corners of his eyes, and it made me feel almost as upset as he appeared. "I never realised... I let them hurt a Pokémon-"

"Hey, it wasn't your fault," I murmured gently, and handed him a napkin from the table. I couldn't help thinking that his reaction was a bit weird. Part of me was saying that he was being a bit over the top, but telling him that would have been like screaming at a child. I just wanted to cuddle him. "You're nothing like them, N. I can tell you really care about Pokémon."

He frowned slightly, and shook his head. "I won't let it happen again," he said. He looked up, directly into my eyes; I felt like a jolt of electricity had been sent down my spine. "White... I want to know the truth about Pokémon inside pokéballs, the ideals of how a trainer should be..."

"You don't ask for much, huh?"

"...And see a future where Pokémon have become perfect," he continued, still staring unblinkingly at me. "But you understand, don't you? You care about Pokémon, too. Do you feel the same?"

To be honest, I didn't have a clue what he was going on about. He's been saying the same kind of mysterious bull crap all day, which was kind of annoying, since it made it so difficult to understand what he was thinking about. I just couldn't get inside his head, but then again, it wasn't his _head_ that I was concerned about getting into. Maybe if I said the right things and kept him happy, he'd let me make him happy later.

"Sure, perfect Pokémon, it sounds nice..." I mumbled vaguely. N smiled.

"I think my friends and I should test you to see if you can see this future, too," he said. He pulled a pokéball out of his pocket; a small Pidove burst forth onto the table and cooed at me.

We wandered over into the street, where there was enough space for a battle, because I sure as hell ain't paying the repair bill if we screwed up the café furniture.

"Ok, Dobby, are you ready to kick some butt?" I grinned down at him, but instead of stepping up to the battle, he cowered behind Tepig.

"Scared, huh? No worries, I'm sure Tepig is dying for a chance to show off in front of you," I told him. He cuddled up to my legs as Tepig burst forward, eager to use his pent-up energy. N's Pidove fluttered in front of us like a dim-witted target with wings. It was too tempting.

"Ok, Tepig... use FLAME CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGE!" I screeched at the top of my lungs. Tepig shot off like a rocket and smashed into Pidove, sending him spinning through the air.

"No!" N cried as Pidove flew past his head and landed in a bush across the street. "Pidove, are you hurt?"

Crap, I didn't want to hurt him; I never meant to hurt him too badly. Were we too harsh? Did I – damn it N, what kind of crazy liberation voodoo did you use on me? I shouldn't be feeling guilty about battling, should I?

"Use flame charge again, Tepig," I said. "A little more gently, this time," I added.

Tepig took down Pidove in short order. N cradled the bird in his arms while his second Pokémon, a Timburr, put up a valiant fight but inevitably succumbed to the unmovable boulder that is Tepig.

And suddenly, he began to glow. He turned around, winked at Dobby, and threw back his head as a golden light surrounded him.

"He's regenerating!" I gasped, as we all stared in amazement. A sudden flash blinded me for a second; when my vision returned, an entirely different creature was standing in Tepig's place.

"Pignite!" he said proudly. I clapped and rushed to hug him.

"You evolved! That's so awesome!"

He squealed happily, and then flexed his arms at Dobby to show off his muscles while waggling his eyebrows. His new arms, with hands, which are good for holding stuff, and then hitting other stuff with the stuff he's holding... Hmm. An idea began to formulate in my brain. But of course, the battle had to continue.

I was surprised to see the third member of N's team: A little Tympole that looked almost identical to Dobby. Well, I suppose all Pokémon of the same species look similar, but still.

"Spli, spli spli!" Dobby declared, and bounced forwards to greet the second Tympole. The two of them jumped around in circles, obviously pleased to see each other. N smiled.

"It looks like these two were friends back in the wild," he said, laughing as they played together. In a split second, his smile became a scowl. "You see, this is what happens when thoughtless trainers kidnap Pokémon from their homes. Friends and family are separated..."

"Spli, spli spli!" said Dobby, and he hopped back over to Tepig. "Spli spli spli, spli spli."

N pursed his lips. There was more than a touch of the bewildered in his expression, if I was any judge, maybe even a hint of anger. God knows what Dobby had just said.

"Do you want to take this one, Dobby?" An excited spli told me that yes, yes he did. He bounded forwards and took up his battle stance.

"Ok, try..." Uh... Woops. I didn't even know what attacks Dobby could use. Well, I supposed there was one that I knew of. "BubbleBeam!"

The bubbles, although sparkly in a way that drew me to them like a magpie to a bottle cap, were harmless, and popped pathetically in the opposing Tympole's face. It giggled.

N told it to use an attack apparently called 'Round;' it sang, or rather wailed, a few bars of a song that had a rather painful effect on the ears. Dobby rolled over unhappily. Well, anything he can do we can do better.

"Use your own Round, Dobby." At my command, he spewed forth from his mouth hole such a beautiful tune that the heavens themselves may have wept. N's Tympole was sent hurtling backwards at the sheer force of Dobby's overpowering awesomeness.

"Wow!" I exclaimed, as N retrieved the Pokémon and began to treat its bumps and bruises with a potion. "I didn't know you had such a stunning singing voice, Dobby." Yes, that could be very useful. Another piece of the puzzle clicked into place.

The victory was made bittersweet, however, when N stepped forward with a sad little smirk on his face. "I cannot see the future yet," he said. "The world is still to be determined..."

"Huh? It's over already? What happened to your Purrloin?" I asked.

"What? I released him, of course," he said. His face bunched up a little, as if he thought I was a weirdo for asking such a question.

"Why? Is it because I beat you in that battle? Because if it was, N, that's really mean-"

"No!" He was getting a little riled up now. He face flushed an angry red, but there was something so ridiculous about the way he looked that it was more endearing than scary. "He simply leant me his power for a short time, and then I let him go back to his friends, friends who trainers like _you-"_ he jabbed me in the chest with his finger as he said this, "pull them away from so _you _ can enjoy your silly little battles!" He stood there and fumed at me. I was a little annoyed at the sudden accusations, but hey, it was the first time we'd made physical contact since I'd met him, and I was going to relish it. So I said nothing.

"You should think about what you've done!" he shouted, and brushed past me to walk away. Whoa, did he just tell me off? I could get used to this.

"Yes, I've been a very naughty girl, N." I crept up to him and whispered seductively in his ear.

"What?" He looked at me, then away again, and shook his head. He keeps doing that. I was surprised his brains hadn't fallen out already. "My friends aren't strong enough to save all Pokémon yet... Maybe I can't solve the equation that will change the world." He took a step further away. "I need more power... Power enough to make anyone agree with me. I need the power of Reshiram." He spun so that he was facing me, his blazing eyes locked onto mine. "The legendary dragon that, along with the hero, created the Unova region. It's my turn to become that hero!"

He nodded, determined, and stomped down the street with purpose, out of the city. Crap, I let him get away again!

"N, come back!"I shouted at his retreating backside. "You didn't even give me your phone number!"

But he was gone.

* * *

><p><em>Author Notes: Hurray for chapter three! It seems like it took forever to write, so I'd like to apologise for the wait. I have exams coming up (ahhhhhhh) so chapter four probably won't be done until some time after June.<em>

_To answer the question, I gave Oshawott to Bianca and Snivy to Cheren because I just think those Pokemon are perfect for them. And I couldn't see Cheren with a cute little Oshawott, lol._

_As always, it really makes me happy when I see that someone's left a comment, so please review. (: Whether's it's something you like, something you think could be improved, whatever, it's all appreciated. So thank you all so much for reading!_


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